I had a tough week last week. Contrary to what some people might think, you don’t know me and it’s not me being dramatic. You don’t know the pain and it doesn’t get easier. But i realize that it’s just not meant to be. Not in a fate kind of way. More in a Allah has his plans for me kind of way. He asks us to trust in Him so we can lighten the burden in our hearts and minds. He has never let me down. Yes there has been so many times where I felt like I have been shortchanged but also I got over it. If I can get over it, Allah didn’t will it for me to have whatever. I should just place my trust in Him but not without effort of course.
I’m choosing to tawakkul not because I’m some hippy fate loving person. I choose it because it gives me some peace. Peace that I am really thankful for because the anxiety is too hard to cope with. I choose peace over tension headaches, sleep loss and constantly being angry. Peace in your heart is important. To not just your own state of mind but also those around you caught in the crossfire.
I felt so much guilt for being angry at my mum when it’s not even her fault. It was just a cycle of disappointment, anger and guilt. It totally consumed me last week that I couldn’t go out. Or when I did, I left social situations just gasping for air like as if I have been suffocating. True story: I left a friend’s place, gasping for air and feeling nauseated. I was so afraid that I was going to have a panic attack. It was the first time it got so bad. I was afraid of myself.
I’m not sharing this for pity. Neither to show you how God cures unhealthy states of mind. Also, He doesn’t magically make me feel better. But He helped me get pass the ugly and relieves my burdens. Overthinking is so unhealthy and I can’t control what goes on in life. I control what I can but I can’t control what goes on in the universe. (Trust me, if I could, there would be no poverty, famine or terrorism. And of course, equal rights.)
This is me reinterating the idea that God has a plan for me and you. We can’t control it. But He wouldn’t will anything but what we need. We don’t even know what we need. So trust Him. He knows what we need and when we need it. Just be patient. Whatever that is supposed to come your way will come.
So, tawakkul and choose peace. My heart and mind can finally rest (most times). I’m still working on it.