Rejoining Civilization

This week was a really big week for me. I bet to the other millions of adults out there, this week ain’t shit to you. But it was a big deal to me. This week I rejoined civilization. Or in simple words, I started my internship this week.

It was a huge step for me because I really struggled with the thought of moving my life forward and looking at my future prospects. The past year or so had been the most emotional draining and liberating moment in my short life. And to have myself officially move out of my hermit shell was just a really big deal to me. I had a job. I had a job doing something. I had a place to go on weekdays. I had some kind of purpose in my life again.

Trust me, that first day was just the toughest one. Like I almost wanted call in sick on my first day cause that’s how I felt. But that’s too ridiculous for me to allow my anxiety to go through with. How bad was it? I had anxiety gag reflexes the whole morning and I couldn’t eat much the whole day. I had a spinning head the entire day. I wanted to pass out from socializing with really nice coworkers on my first day. So yeah, it was bad. As bad as it was, I was ready for it (well sort of).

I had training to fall back on. Months and weeks of training after falling into depressive and anxiety spells for those periods of time. I was geared with prayer, meditation and a whole lot of podcasts to help me calm down and distract myself from my impending doom. I knew I was just going to be an awkward mess (or I still am) because I’ve forgot how to socialize with people. Yes, it’s a real sore point for me ever since I worn my hijab full time. You can help but feel anxious when people have a full spectrum of stereotypes about me. I’m still getting the hang of socializing with others because the past year, my crowd of regular hangouts were my 2 year old nieces or basically anyone related by blood to me.

Well, it’s only been 3 days. So far, still getting used to it. I just need to be more open to hang out with people during lunch. I can’t help but be so used to having meals by myself. And I really got into reading now. Like I am finished with almost 2 books now. Well, that’s due to my long commuting hours. But still really great.

I hope this is a new start for me. To get the ball rolling. To get myself to be the person I wanna be. I’m not saying that I won’t want to run home and hid under my covers. But I don’t wanna hide anymore. Like I said, I’m rejoining civilization and that’s a big deal for me.


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