I haven’t had an anxiety attack in a while. And it just hit me yesterday. Now, I’m worried when the next one comes.
But you can never truly be prepared when it comes. It comes like a wave. Unpredictable and unfathomable. This huge wave will hit you when you least expect it. It will feel like you’re struggling to breathe. Clamouring to the surface to breathe while being pulled by the current of sadness and despair. All the water splashing over your head are the anxiety and the thoughts that begin to drown your mind. At that moment, it feels so difficult. Your arms are too tired from trying to fight just like how your mind is so tired of pulling you out of the darkness each time. Just for a moment, you begin to give up. You just surrender yourself to the situation. It’s better to surrender now because fighting seems futile. Now, your lifeless body is being pulled into the ocean. Consumed into nothingness.
But in a small moment, your feet suddenly feels the sand below. The smallest feeling of hope begins to fight for you. And somehow the more you feel the ground underneath, your hope grows bigger and bigger. You’re now fighting for yourself. Till that moment where you are standing on the sand banks, begin to make your way back. You don’t give up on yourself. With the unstable sandbanks underneath, you attempt to make your way back to the shores. Stumbling but careful, you fight for yourself with every ounce of minuscule energy you have left. Finally, you are sitting on the shores, heaving and tired. You just sit there, thankful. That you get to live another day. Till the next time. Till the next fight.