I have been in a somewhat rut for the past 4 months. Spiritually, mentally, creatively and emotionally – I’ve been feeling very broken. I thought when I had my life in order with that job, that project and that kind of life, I would be happy. But among personal downfalls and some unsavoury trust issues, I couldn’t live that life anymore (even though I was very passionate and absolutely loved what I was doing). I felt so broken inside that I couldn’t do what I love anymore. And the past 4 months have been emotional hell of ups and downs. Trying to figure out my life and my plan. Nothing has gone to plan and rejection after rejection, I really felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. The worst part I allowed my faith to sleep (not a typo).
I’m still trying to fight and build my way out. Nowhere near scratching the surface. I have to say that the one thing that has kept me afloat is my family. My mother (who is a woman of her own emotional issues) has been keeping me afloat even when all I wanna do is drown. Albeit we don’t talk about our feelings to each other. I guess a mother just knows. We have never been one to talk about personal feelings or emotional experiences. I hide a lot of things from my mother because I don’t want to be a disappointment in her eyes. But she has never wavered when it comes to providing support. She has been my support in everything. We always butt heads but she will always show up for me. This goes for my whole family. They have been an unknowing emotional support for me.
Whether it’s my second sister with understanding my mental health needs or my eldest sister in providing an emotional outlet. My nieces who bring me more love than I could ever imagine. I honestly don’t know if I would be here today without them. Like I said, I’m nowhere near healed or on track in my life. But I wanted to write this to myself as a way to “start this new chapter” by showing gratitude towards my family for being my silver lining. I appreciate all the memories we have and the extra time I have been allowed to spend with them. Alhamdulillah.
Please keep me in your prayers. Thanks.