Whenever I have bouts of productivity, especially recently, it always or almost always follows by this wave of anxiety or sadness. This is either a product of being tired from being high energy or just a mood that swings by. I found myself in this hole of despair since last week and I had a tough time shaking it off. It came back with my old friend, insomnia. Oh, what a bitch it has been.
I haven’t had this bad bout of insomnia since maybe university. The trouble with falling asleep is the least of my problem. I’d have next to zero energy the whole day. Yet, I would expect myself to accomplish all the tasks I would normally do. I even started doing extra workouts to tire myself out. The thing that frustrates my brain is that I should feel completely exhausted by the end of the day so sleep would come easy. Nope. My soul is so terribly exhausted. Yet, I would lay awake at 3 am, trying to force my brain to fall asleep. Just imagine yourself being so tired but your brain is refusing to let you rest.
Because I’m so tired all the time at this point, I would get very easily irritated or annoyed at the slightest inconvenience. (Yes, more so than usual.) Last week, something incredibly minuscule happened and I was so angry that I just had to remove myself from the situation. Sometimes I really wonder if I have a legit reason to be angry or is this some kind of result of my poor mental health.
Plus, every time I’m unhappy, sad, or get into my depressive moods, I feel so bad for the people around me. Exclusively my mother who has to deal with my swings in emotion. Then, this guilt just eats into my already depressive mood and exacerbates the whole situation. So, when I’m in a really bad shape mentally, I just like to remove myself physically from harming or hurting others around me. Let me deal with myself. Which is me sitting with my thoughts trying to figure out why I feel this way or (most of the time) just crying into my pillows, wondering why I’m never enough.
I really don’t know what’s the point of writing this into the internet. But I just felt like it might serve as a service announcement to people I love to be patient with me. As frustrated you are with me or hate me, trust me on this, I am beyond frustrated with myself and hate myself too. Maybe even more. I hope I’m worthwhile staying around because I’m really trying my best to find balance in my moods.
Peace be upon you.
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